Rules of Atlantis
by Bushy Squirrel
Summary: COMPLETED Life in Pegasus is hard. But having newbies getting themselves killed makes it harder! Annoyed, the people of Atlantis started making a list....rated T for possible language and possible crude humor
1. The Start of It

This is just to amuse the humor side of me. I get ideas for things like this all the time. But feel free to send me some if you get them! Infact, I push for you to send me them! Though, I can't promise I'll get them all. -frown-

I do not own _**ANYTHING **__or__** ANYONE **_from_**STARGATE ATLANTIS**_

SGA-1 got bored very easily. So, since the Gate Room had a lovely, big, empty wall to the left of the gate when you entered Atlantis, they decided to make a list of things you SHOULDN'T do in Atlantis, off-world, and in the Pegasus galaxy in general.

SheppardMcKayRononTeyla

**Never have the first thing you say here be 'This place isn't so bad.' You'll only regret it later**

A: Colonel Sheppard would like to remind the original members not to talk about Colonel Sumner to the newbies.

B. Dr. McKay requests that newbies ask a scientist the statistics of Murphy's Law here in Pegasus before doing _anything_.

**Do not ask someone what a Wraith looks like. If you are lucky enough to get put on a team, you'll find out soon. If not, ask Dr.Beckett if he'll show you his video data on Michael. (This is not suggested, for your safety)**

A. Teyla insists that Dr. Beckett will never harm you, and that Sheppard and McKay are just acting inmature.

**Three weeks of boot camp is **_**required**_**. This will teach you how not to get killed. Don't skip it.**

A. Colonel Sheppard would like to note that Marines will be punished for skipping. He would also like to note that civilians will only go through basic gun training unless they plan on volunteering for our regular off-world trips to allied planets.

**Remember. Here, **_**we**_** are the aliens.**

A. Dr.McKay would like to say that, for your own safety, never ask the natives crude questions. Ronon might not beat you, but Teyla will.

**All gossip from SGC is null and void here in Atlantis, as both SGC and Atlantis are in a never ending contest.**

A. Colonel Sheppard wants to prewarn anyone who used to, or does, work at the SGC that for your first month or two here, you will be the product of many pranks.

B. Dr. McKay promises to post a list of taboo topics in the infirmary during his next visit there.

C. Teyla would like to tell the newbies that many people compare SGA-1 and SG-1 a lot. It is wise for you not to.

**Remember. You are on a planet that is more than 90 percent covered in water. If you can't swin, get lessons. And quick.**

A. Ronon says that Dr. Beckett has been telling some natives who can't swim that he would set up a class if they want to learn. Go ask him.

**Atlantis' (unoffical) motto is "Yeah, the world sucks. But if it didn't, we'd all fall off."**

A. Colonel Sheppard wants everyone to learn this and love it, because it's true.

**Yes. We do realize that some of you might accidentally activate something. If you do, go to Dr. Beckett to get tested for the ATA gene.**

A. Colonel Sheppard begs you to do this, as he is very tired of being the guinea pig for the Science Department.

B. Dr. McKay also asks you to, as he is certain that if another scientist (besides himself or Dr. Zelenka) asks Sheppard to activate something for them, they will get harmed, and he would rather not do the paperwork.

**Just because one of the senior members does it, doesn't mean you should. THEY can get away with it. You can't.**

A. Colonel Sheppard wants you to remember that this includes things like volunteering for suicidal missions, eating something unknown, injecting yourself with a bottle full of Wraith enzyme, and yelling at McKay's little band of scientists. Dr. Weir does not like it when the senior members do it, but they are the ones that the command goes to if anything happens.

B. Teyla notes that Colonel Sheppard's last sentence scares Dr. Weir greatly, even if she trusts her 2, 3, and 4IC's with her life.

C. Dr. McKay warns EVERYONE (including all the old members) that the next person to yell at any of his scientists, or makes any of them cry will wish that Ronon thought they were Wraith instead of what he'll be doing to them. He also wishes to explain that the 2IC is Colonel Sheppard, the 3IC is himself, and the 4IC is Dr. Beckett. He wants you to memorize this, for all major plans must go through one of these people to be OKed.

**Do not flirt with the locals.**

A. Colonel Sheppard says that if Dr. Weir doesn't yell at you for doing this, he will. Only he won't be vocal.

B. Ronon notes that Colonel Sheppard will have to get in line after him, ofcourse.

C. Teyla would like to warn that the men of SGA-1 don't care if they get kicked off of Atlantis. The local people are like family to them, and they will act according to their own thoughts on how to deal with you.


	2. Serious Scale: Now minus 13

Posting rules for Atlantis became very popular very quick, and soon, everyone was putting up rules. Some very important, some not so much.

SheppardMcKayRononTeyla

**Just like Murphy's Law, irony just loves the Pegasus Galaxy. Learn to ignore it.**

A. Major Lorne says unless it's funny.

B. Dr. Zelenka requests that if it's in the labs, please tell himself or Dr. McKay.

**Never try to escape from the infirmary. Not even Colonel Sheppard and Dr. McKay get away with that.**

A. Colonel Sheppard would like to note that he does get away with it, sometimes.

B. Dr. McKay complains that Colonel Sheppard is the one who talks him into escaping.

C. Dr. Beckett sternly says that any and all people who try to stop him from doing him job will be at the business end of his biggest needle. This is no threat, but a promise.

**Never make pop culture references around the natives.**

A. Dr. Weir sadly admits that only Colonel Sheppard and Dr. McKay can manage to do this without causing a war.

B. Colonel Sheppard insists that this is because he and Dr. McKay only do this around Teyla and Ronon.

C. Dr. McKay says only around Xena and Conon, as they are called.

**Don't call Colonel Sheppard Kirk. You'll be in big trouble if you do.**

A. Dr. McKay says that this is Colonel Sheppard's nickname that only Colonel Sheppard's team is allowed to use, even if only he, himself uses it.

B. Colonel Sheppard warns that Dr. McKay only gets away with it because he can save everyone's asses at the last possible moment. Everyone else will get punished at his own disgression.

**Calling Dr. Beckett a mother hen to his face is hazardous to your health.**

A. Dr. Beckett politely says that if he finds out who does this, they will find a new meaning for pain.

B. Dr. McKay warns that he will do it, too. And legally, so he won't get in trouble.

C. Colonel Sheppard would like to note that he is only called this when dealing with Dr. Weir and SGA-1.

**Jumper 1 is Colonel Sheppard's. Jumper 2 is Dr. McKay's. Jumper 3 is Major Lorne's. It is in your best interest to remember this.**

A. Colonel Sheppards warns that if ANYONE messes around with Aurora without his permission, they will pay by sparring with Ronon daily for a month.

B. Dr. McKay insists that if Pi is used without his direct blessings, they will loose hot water for two months.

C. Major Lorne threatens anyone who touches Miracle without his consent with a two week stay in the brig.

D. Dr. Weir would like to note that she will turn a blind eye to these dealings, as you have been properly warned.

**Unless you know full well that you can, do not try to out-smart any of the scientists.**

A. Dr. Zelenka admits that between the scientists and the marines, it is better to be on the marine's bad side.

B. Dr. Beckett would like to announce that anyone who does not follow this will not be given pity when they are brought to the infirmary.

**Don't ask Dr. Weir why she's always wearing a red shirt. It's a topic you don't want to start talking about.**

A. Colonel Sheppard yells run, run while you still can!

B. Teyla insists that Colonel Sheppard is just immature, but you still shouldn't ask about the shirts.

**If you get black mail on any of the Senior Staff, use it wisely. They're the ones who control whether or not you stay on Atlantis.**

A. Dr. Weir strictly warns that use of black mail will result in immediate return to earth.

B. Colonel Sheppard announces that use of black mail will result in a stay in the brig before return to earth.

C. Dr. McKay would like to say that use of black mail will result in loss of heating while in the brig before return to earth.

D. Dr. Beckett threatens that use of black mail will result in no medical care (except in an emergency) if anything is caused by the loss of heat while in the brig before return to earth.

**Be careful what you do around any of the women of Atlantis. They share gossip during women's poker night every week.**

A. Dr. Weir happily assures you that this doesn't happen.

B. Dr. McKay insists that this does happen, and that he almost died because of it.

C. Dr. Beckett is sad to confirm Dr. McKay's statement. If there are any questions, look up the file with keywords 'wraith dart, body sharing, Rondey McKay, Laura Cadman'.


	3. Weird Warnings

**The guy controlling the gate is Chuck. Since he is always the first person to see you come back through the gate, be ready to bribe him constantly.**

A. Colonel Sheppard regrets the fact that he has to support this one.

B. Dr. Zelenka advises that if you can, clean up before you come back home.

**If there's a party, be careful with what you put in the food if you make a dish. People here **_**are**_** allergic to food.**

A. Dr. McKay strongly advises that food with any citris in it be labeled so.

B. Colonel Sheppard also asks that food with citris be labeled, as he doesn't want to have his best friend be sent to the infirmary.

C. Teyla would like to note that if you must add citris, add it to a dessert or small dishes. Not the main ones.

D. Ronon says that if you intentionally don't label food with citris in it, you will find out what it's like to be an enemy.

E. Dr. Weir apologises for anyone who is scared from this note, but anyone purposely poisoning someone with food they're allergic to, you will be sent to the brig for however long Colonel Sheppard says you should.

**Always carry chocolate with you off-world.**

A. Major Lorne says this is for if you run into children.

B. Lieutenant Cadman confirms this, but also notes that it is good for bribing scientists who don't want to leave.

C. The entire science community takes offense to what Lieutenant Cadman says, and would like to warn that this will not work.

**Always, always, always protect your geek. If you have to evacuate, they are top priority.**

A. Major Lorne will like to announce that your geek is the scientist that is on your off-world team. Each geek will have atleast two marines protecting them, as teams are atleast three people, and there is only one geek for every two marines.

B. Colonel Sheppard notes that Dr. Weir, Dr. Beckett, Dr. McKay, and Dr. Zelenka are his geeks, and that you better do your job if you end up going off-world with them. Because if you don't, no one will ever find your body.

**We might be in a different galaxy, but the frat-regs still apply.**

A. Colonel Sheppard unfortunatly confirms this.

B. Dr. Weir insists that Colonel Sheppard is just acting childish, and that rules are there for a reason.

C. Dr. Beckett happily notes that this only applys if a marine wants to date another marine.

**It is in your best interest not to ask to be sparring partners with Ronon.**

A. Anonymous person would like to say that if you want to continue to be able to walk, stay away from Ronon for sparring.

B. Anonymous person number 2 says that only Teyla spars with Ronon.

**Never say to Dr. Beckett 'Feel me up, Scotty'.**

A. Lieutenant Cadman says that only she can get away with this.

B. Dr. McKay doesn't even want to know why Lieutenant Cadman is the only one who can get away with this.

**The local religion is gossip. Get used to it.**

A. Chuck will like to note that all gossip comes through him, eventually, so if you're not up to date, just ask him.

B. Nurse Jane also advises that any of the medical staff, Dr. Beckett excluded, will also gladly tell you about the latest gossip.

**Do not join SGA-1 or SGA-2. Unless you want a higher chance of dying here than everyone else, stay away.**

A. Dr. McKay requests that whom ever posted this to come and see him.

B. Colonel Sheppard whines that he can't help it.

C. Major Lorne admits that the two teams get in more trouble than everyone else combined.

**Don't try to scare the Athosian children with horror movies. It won't work.**

A. Colonel Sheppard says he won't stop trying, though.

B. Dr. Weir warns that anyone showing any local children Earth movies will get suspended.

A/N

PEOPLE! I did say you could send in ones that you think about and I'll put them in. So, press the little box below this and send a few.


	4. Bad Things to Do: voting chapter

**Unless you are a member of SGA-1, making sarcastic comments to your captor will get you killed. Ironicly enough, this happens quite a lot with SGA-1.**

A. Colonel Sheppard complains that he does not get captured that much.

B. Dr. McKay regrets to say that they actually do get captured quite a lot, and it's Sheppard who does all the talking.

C. Major Lorne would like to remind Dr. McKay that SGA-2 has saved their butts a few times, and every time he, not Sheppard, was doing all the talking.

**Coffee hiding is a dangerous sport. Get the rules from Colonel Sheppard.**

A. Dr. McKay dares Colonel Sheppard to try and hide the coffee supply.

B. Colonel Sheppard gladly takes up that dare.

C. Dr. Beckett insists that Colonel Sheppard not do this, as this is no way to stop their coffee addiction.

**Do not stare at Hermiod.**

A. Dr. McKay explains that he does not like this.

B. Dr. Novak doesn't want Hermiod madder than he already is, as she works with him, so don't do this.

C. Colonel Caldwell warns that all your supplies go through him and Hermiod.

**Comparing Dr. McKay to Colonel Carter is one of the worst things you could do.**

A. Dr. Zelenka begs you not to compare the two.

B. The medical team will gladly hide any of you from Dr. McKay and Colonel Carter if you do.

**Just because Dr. Daniel Jackson came back from the dead several times, doesn't mean you will.**

A. No comment/self-explaning

**You will be surprised by how many fictional characters/real people you can compare Colonel Sheppard to.**

A. Dr. McKay would like to start you off. Captain Kirk, Casanova, Romeo, Robin Hood...

B. Major Lorne states that there will be a club meeting of 'Comparing Colonel Sheppard' every Friday night at 8 in the commissionary.

C. Dr. Weir warns you to never mention any of this in his presence.

**If you can avoid it, never eat off-world.**

A. Dr. Beckett will post a list of worlds and foods that you should not eat/eat on in the infirmary.

**Don't start naming things.**

A. Colonel Sheppard can't believe how much all of you suck at naming objects.

B. Dr. McKay snarks that not everyone has such a vivid imagination as him.

**The Daedalus crew brings us nice things. Don't piss them off.**

A. Colonel Caldwell notes that he is just ordered to bring it all. He is not responsible for its condition when it gets here.

**Keep a weapon on you at all times.**

A. Major Lorne reports that all armories are automaticly locked down if the emergency alarm goes off.

B. Teyla insists that you come and take sparring leasons with her and Ronon so you can learn to fight without a gun if neccessary.

C. Random person snorts yeah right.

_**A/N:**_

I'm going to put a vote up on this chapter for future ones.

Which of the following should I include? (may vote for more than one)

1. SG-1 (Jack, Daniel, Teal'c, and Sam)

2. Colonel Mitchell

3. Vala Mal Doran

4. OC (my own made up character/s) (For more info on this, ask me and I will send you a message on a few characters I would use.)

Should I include paragraphs of character interaction/story content?

If you vote yes to the story content, should I make is partially a crossover, including characters from other TV shows and books?

Vote, people! I'm not gonna post more until I get a good amount of opinions from my readers. I want to know what you all think and want!


	5. Meeting Someone Interesting

Amanda giggled at the newest additions to the list of rules. Suddenly, her eyes were drawn down to the fact that a football just came through her chest. Spinning around, she glared at the man who was giving her a shit-eating grin.

"What the hell is you're problem, O'Neill!" She yelled, turning her body completely around to face him.

"I couldn't help it. Carter found it. Had to test it." Huffing in discontent, she stalked past the laughing man.

"Oh, now come on! Relax..." Stopping next to a Colonel Mitchell, whom was using all his will power not to laugh, the woman turned around and gave a certain man a look at a certain finger before continuing out of the Atlantis gate room.

**SG1-ATLANTIS-SG1-ATLANTIS-SG1**

Slipping into a chair in the commissionary, Amanda sighed at the site of the woman coming into her view in front of her on the opposite chair.

"Go away, Vala." A snort of a laugh came across the table to her.

"Why do you even come here, darling? You can't eat. You don't have the _ability_. You're a _hologram_." Amanda glared at the dark haired woman.

"I may be that, but that doesn't mean I can't watch the other people here. It gives me a sense of belonging to them all."

"Dear, they're all earthlings. Like me, you won't ever fit in."

"And I'm the hologram representation of the city they now live in. I at least have to make an _effort_ to fit in. Now, as I've said before, go away." But before Vala could make a remark, another person joined them, sitting next to Amanda.

"Bothering the nice lady again, Vala?" Two pairs of eyes turned to the man sitting there, making him chuckle.

"Well, don't both of you talk at once." Vala smirked.

"What are you doing here, Sheppard? Aren't you supposed to be bothering the annoying scientist man?" Amanda's eyes snapped back to Vala.

"Don't insult Rodney, Vala, or I just might make you're stay here a bit more troublesome." The military leader of the city sat there, laughing. Returning back to him, Amanda snarked.

"Oh, shut up and answer her damn question, John."

"How can I shut up and talk at the same time, Amanda?" This made Vala giggle across from her. Stomping on the floor, Amanda stood up, giving the man a look of death.

"You are just as bad as O'Neill, Sheppard!"

"Junior or Senior?" Letting out a yell that made everyone in the room look at the three of them, Amanda made the movement to slap him, but then remembered she was naught by a hologram.

"How you made military leader, I'll never know John Sheppard! You have the maturity of a five-year-old!" Turning, she almost walked right through a certain Dr. Jackson.

"Atlantis, just calm down."

"Damn it, Jackson! It's Amanda! Not Atlantis! How many times do I have to remind your tiny brain that I don't like being refered by that name now?"

"Sorry. But still calm down."

"Why? What do I have to worry about? My blood pressure?" Side stepping past the man, she stomped out of the room, hoping to find a place alone.

A/N

I hope you all got that. My OC, Amanda, is actually a hologram of the city itself. (and I'll get more into it later, but she kinda has a crush on the dear scientist, McKay)


	6. Hidden Secrets

**A/N**

From now on, I'm going to have chapters be a mix between story and the list. Meaning I'm not going to have ten rules from the list each chapter now. Also, continue to feel free to send me suggestions on what you think should be on the list! I'll start to make each chapter personalized, like it only being for scientists, or the military contingent. Things like that.

12345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890

**The items in your off-world bag are there for a reason. Don't trade them off.**

Amanda gaped at this rule, wondering which idiot did something to have this get written up. A form walked up to her, and she turned to her right to look at them.

"Lieutenant Cadman. Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes?" The blonde laughed.

"Carson told me that there was a hologram of the city. I had to come and see for myself. So, how's life?"

"If you could call my existence life. Mostly, right now, I'm pissed off at O'Neill, Sheppard, Vala, and Dr. Jackson. They can get pretty inmature. So, do you know anything about this?" Amanda pointed at the rule, Laura laughing as she read it.

"Not really. Though, it does sound like good gossip. Now, the one after that is just plain 'no duh'."

**Having coffee on your person will determine whether or not a scientist will kill you. Remember this.**

Giggles came from both women.

"I have to agree with you. After all. I'm the only one here who can piss off McKay and get away with it."

"Ok. One, you're a hologram. He'd have to mess with the city to mess with you. Two, from what I hear, you have a little crush on Rodney and his feelings might not be that far from being different." The red-head rolled her eyes.

"But like you said, I'm a hologram. Even if the city had three ZedPMs, giving me enough power to create a physical body, Dr. McKay and I are polar opposites. I annoy him more than you do."

**The city-wide PA system is not a toy. We shouldn't have to tell you this, people.**

Before Laura could respond, the man in question showed up on the other side of Amanda.

"Ah. Cadman. I see you're back. So, how was earth?" Amanda's face turned bright red as Laura hesitated.

"I...i...it was fine, Rodney. I managed to find a way for me to come back for a permanent tour. I leave when Sheppard decides to send me back."

"Oh, joy. Anyways, we have a problem in the lab, Andy." Laura rose an eyebrow at the nickname as Amanda turned slightly to face him.

"Yes, I know. His name is Dr. Calvin Kavanagh." Both humans laughed at the remark.

"Well, that may be true, but not what I mean. We're having trouble identifying one object."

**Anicent artifacts are not for playing.**

Amanda closed her eyes, making the other two look at each other, confused, before jumping at her sudden talking.

"Is Zelenka working on it?"

"Uh..yeah. I think."

"Well, that's nothing but a child's toy. Forget about it." She opened her eyes and looked at him.

"I would think by now you all would recognize technology from entertainment." Laura laughed at the sudden look of irritation appeared on Rodney's face.

"Very funny. Well, if it's naught but a toy, I better go tell Zelenka to stop wasting time on it. Also, Andy, you should get ready to be put in the transporation box. You're going to be coming off-world with SGA-1." The eyebrows of the now forgotten person shot up to her hair line as Amanda groaned.

**Neither is the DHD. Really, people.**

"Why do I have to go this time?" He gave her a smirk.

"Incase there is technology there that we can look over. That, and since the range on the power box is the entire planet, you can get to the DHD and walkthrough the gate without having to worry about the shield for help just in case."

"Good to know you all care about me..." Amanda rolled her eyes before sighing.

"Fine. I'll be here in an hour when you all leave."

**Playing 'Cops and Robbers' with real guns is forbidden.**


	7. Finale

46 wonderful rules.

I'm writing a story for here (Newbies: Meet the Demon), so I'm going to stop this.

Thank you for all your wonderful reviews, people, and thanks for being such devoted readers.

The following are my personal favorites...

**Just because one of the senior members does it, doesn't mean you should. THEY can get away with it. You can't.**

**Just like Murphy's Law, irony just loves the Pegasus Galaxy. Learn to ignore it.**

**Never try to escape from the infirmary. Not even Colonel Sheppard and Dr. McKay get away with that.**

**Calling Dr. Beckett a mother hen to his face is hazardous to your health.**

**Jumper 1 is Colonel Sheppard's. Jumper 2 is Dr. McKay's. Jumper 3 is Major Lorne's. It is in your best interest to remember this.**

**Be careful what you do around any of the women of Atlantis. They share gossip during women's poker night every week.**

**The guy controlling the gate is Chuck. Since he is always the first person to see you come back through the gate, be ready to bribe him constantly.**

**Always, always, always protect your geek. If you have to evacuate, they are top priority.**

**Never say to Dr. Beckett 'Feel me up, Scotty'.**

**The local religion is gossip. Get used to it.**

**Coffee hiding is a dangerous sport. Get the rules from Colonel Sheppard.**

**Just because Dr. Daniel Jackson came back from the dead several times, doesn't mean you will.**

**You will be surprised by how many fictional characters/real people you can compare Colonel Sheppard to.**

**Having coffee on your person will determine whether or not a scientist will kill you. Remember this.**

**The city-wide PA system is not a toy. We shouldn't have to tell you this, people.**


End file.
